Sex Addiction & Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Therapy
When Sexual Behaviour Feels Out of Control
You may call it sex addiction.
You may describe it as compulsive sexual behaviour.
Whatever terminology you use, the important issue is whether sexual thoughts, urges or behaviours feel difficult to control and are causing significant problems in your life or relationships.
At Intimacy Counselling NZ, we provide confidential, non-shaming therapy for people concerned about their sexual behaviour.
What Is Compulsive Sexual Behaviour?
Concerns may involve:
Compulsive pornography use
Repeated masturbation that feels difficult to control
Sexual messaging
Online sexual activity
Repeated affairs
Hook-up apps
Paying for sexual services
Repeated risky sexual behaviour
Sexual behaviour used to manage difficult emotions
Repeated attempts to stop followed by returning to the behaviour
Secrecy and lying surrounding sexual behaviour
Clinically, terminology matters. “Sex addiction” is widely used by people seeking help, while compulsive sexual behaviour disorder is classified in ICD-11 as an impulse-control disorder rather than a substance-style addiction.
Therapy Without Shame
Having a high sex drive isn't by itself evidence of compulsive sexual behaviour.
The important issues include control, distress, impairment and consequences, rather than simply how often someone thinks about or has sex.
Therapy can explore:
Triggers
Habitual behaviour cycles
Emotional regulation
Secrecy
Shame
Relationship difficulties
Intimacy
Sexual beliefs
Boundaries
Relapse patterns
Alternative coping strategies
Taking responsibility for behaviour
When Your Partner Has Been Hurt
Compulsive sexual behaviour often has consequences for partners.
Where appropriate, therapy can also address disclosure, trust, boundaries, responsibility and relationship recovery.
Regaining Control
The aim isn't to eliminate healthy sexuality.
It is to help you develop greater choice and control so that sexual behaviour fits with the life and relationships you want.
How Can Sex Therapy Help?
Therapy may help you:
Identify triggers
Understand behaviour cycles
Recognise high-risk situations
Develop strategies for managing urges
Build alternative coping strategies
Improve emotional regulation
Understand the role sex plays in managing difficult feelings
Address secrecy
Develop appropriate boundaries
Improve relationship communication
Take responsibility for harmful behaviour
Develop healthier sexual patterns
Rebuild sexual confidence
Work towards greater choice and control
Treatment is tailored to the person rather than applying the same approach to everyone.
The Goal Isn't to Eliminate Your Sexuality
Healthy sexuality isn't the enemy.
The goal isn't necessarily to stop having sexual thoughts, eliminate masturbation, never experience strong desire or become less sexual.
Instead, therapy can help you develop a relationship with sexuality where you have greater choice over your behaviour rather than feeling controlled by it.
We can work towards sexual behaviour that is consensual, safe and consistent with your values, relationships and
When Should I Seek Help?
Consider speaking with a sex therapist if:
You've repeatedly tried to stop a sexual behaviour but haven't been able to
You're regularly hiding sexual behaviour from your partner
Sexual behaviour is affecting your relationship
Your behaviour is escalating
Sexual activity is interfering with work or everyday responsibilities
You continue despite significant negative consequences
You feel increasingly out of control
You are using sexual behaviour to cope with difficult emotions
Your relationship is repeatedly being affected by sexual secrecy
You're worried about where the behaviour may lead
You don't need to wait for your relationship, career or wellbeing to reach crisis point before seeking help.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have a sex addiction?
Frequent sexual activity or a high libido doesn't automatically mean that someone has a sexual behaviour problem.
Therapy can help explore the degree of control you have over the behaviour, the distress it causes and its impact on your life and relationships.
Is watching pornography a sex addiction?
Not necessarily. Pornography use by itself does not establish that someone has an addiction or compulsive sexual behaviour problem.
The pattern of use, ability to control it and consequences are more useful things to explore.
Can therapy help me stop compulsive sexual behaviour?
Therapy can help identify triggers and behavioural patterns and develop strategies for increasing control and changing behaviours that are causing problems.
Can my partner come to therapy?
Depending on the situation, individual therapy, couples therapy or a combination may be appropriate.
If sexual secrecy or infidelity has affected your relationship, couples counselling may focus separately on trust and relationship recovery.
Will my therapist judge what I've done?
Our role is to provide professional, confidential therapy rather than shame you for seeking help.
That does not mean avoiding responsibility for behaviour that has harmed others. Therapy can hold understanding and accountability at the same time.
Do I have to call myself a sex addict?
No.
You don't need to adopt a particular label before getting help.
If your sexual behaviour feels difficult to control or is repeatedly creating problems, that's enough reason to talk about it.
Take Back Control of Your Sexual Behaviour
If you've reached the point of thinking "I don't want to keep doing this", you don't have to work out how to change everything on your own.
At Intimacy Counselling NZ, we provide confidential specialist support for problematic sexual behaviours, compulsive sexual behaviour, problematic pornography use, sexual secrecy and repeated patterns that are affecting relationships or wellbeing.
Therapy can help you understand what's driving the behaviour, develop greater control and begin making sexual choices that better reflect the life and relationships you want.